Editors Note: The following is the fictional diary of PG&E’s spokesperson Greg Snapper. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. This was originally published as an April Fool’s joke on April 1st, 2012.
May 31st, 2011
Helen sent out an internal memo today- that we should no longer mention the World Health Organization to the media now that they came out with their hysterical cancer scare today.
Those tin foil hat weirdos at the WHO just don’t get it. Didn’t anyone explain to them that we were depending on their assurances of safety in our sound bites to get people to take our SmartMeters? Now WTF are we going to do? Maybe we need to reach out to those “scientists” at the WHO and explain the benefits of the smart grid- like the fact that my six-figure salary will go even higher when the income from selling all that private data starts rolling in.
Tony (Earley, CEO –ed.) and I were laughing the other day that if Silver Spring lied to us and the smart meter radiation actually is dangerous that we could buy a big yacht, a bunch of champagne and some girls and go hang out in the ocean where there aren’t any smart meters. Tony laughed and said the class action lawyers won’t find us out there! Maybe Richard Branson will reserve us a couple of seats on his spaceship. I guess if that doesn’t pan out, we can all just go lay low at John Doerr’s ranch near Half Moon Bay.
Thank God John’s wife Ann is on the board at EDF and the other big environmental groups are just going along with the show. When will people realize that we’re actually doing the Earth a favor by reducing the population? All those sick and old people are just adding to global warming and not being productive at all. Gotta go now- time for my “man”icure appointment!
December 16th, 2011
All these smart meter protesters are such a pain in the freakin’ backside. The office called and told me I had to be in by 10am to do all these interviews explaining why we cut off power to a dozen families two weeks before Christmas. Don’t they know that Friday is the day I spend syncing my smart phones to my IPads? And when is my assistant going to find the time to do my Christmas shopping now?
December 17th, 2011
Those troublemakers in Santa Cruz are at it again. I hate that Josh Hart- why doesn’t he just get a real job and let us get on with the important work of being smart grid pioneers? Now they’ve all gone whining to the media after we cut off their electricity two weeks before Christmas. They said the smart meter gave their kids bloody noses and headaches. I bet they used fake blood and got their kids to make up stories. Damn hippy tin foil hat freaks. Where is the federal government when you need them? These people are insurgents and terrorists, tampering with national intelligence gathering equipment. Oops Tony told me not to talk about that. Never mind.
Anyway now I have to drive down to Santa Cruz with Wendy and explain to the County Board of Supervisors why we’ve switched off old ladies and families right before Christmas. I can’t believe they returned their smart meters to our offices in Capitola. They deserve to freeze to death in their homes- what’s happened to the grand tradition of obedience in this country?
Now I have to get in my convertible and drive down Highway 1 again-my hair ALWAYS gets messed up in that car. What I have to deal with….honestly.
December 29th, 2011
Tony called me early this AM- interfering with my beauty sleep- and said we’re having problems with the call center. Apparently we’re getting flooded with thousands of calls from our customers who SAY they are getting sick from their smart meter. Tony said to stay calm and that public health disaster mop ups were his specialty. He said to tell the call center agents to blame it on people’s cell phones. “AT&T won’t like it but they gotta take some of the flak for this.” He mumbled something about the insurance companies who are refusing to insure us against future smart meter health impacts. “Pete (Darbee, ex-CEO –ed.) really left me with a shit sandwich alright.” He then asked me a funny question. He asked me if I knew whether direct debit billing continued to debit from an account after someone’s dead. He’s having the billing department look into the matter. Not sure why he’s asking that.
After we got off the phone I had a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and started to wonder about things but then I watched Jersey Shore on my iPad and felt better. I totally trust those guys at the IEEE and ICNIRP. I got drunk with those guys- they wouldn’t put me out on a limb and screw me over- would they?
January 13th, 2012
After work a bunch of the guys went out for beers. We met up with Bill Devereaux, who’d just flown in from the islands. We hadn’t seen the guy since his fall from grace in Nov. 2010. When I saw him I said “Ralph! DUDE! Can’t believe you got busted by the tin foil hat crowd!! Thanks for taking the fall for us! How’s life on the beach?” Bill bought us a few rounds and said he didn’t mind his career being shot after he was caught carrying out our covert surveillance program. He said, “y’know guys I’m cool with taking the hit. I got a golden parachute and a house on the beach. I’m cool with retirement. You guys want another brewski?” We had a blast together and it was good to be reunited with the boys. At the end of the night, Bill was slurring his words and stumbling to his car. Some old vet in a wheelchair asked for spare change and Bill tipped the guy over onto the ground. We all laughed. Matt said, “Just like in college with those cows bro!!” Man I love those guys.
January 20th, 2012
Spent all day at the Wellington Energy training facility. We have been working with Wellington to design a training program to increase the number of smart meters being installed. The course is up and running and everyone is excited about cutting the number of Unable To Completes. We’re really thinking outside the box here. We’ve had to up the pay of the Wellington workers to $50/ hr. Greedy bastards. Apparently they were quitting in droves, complaining about headaches and ringing in the ears. What a bunch of wusses. They’ve been hanging out with the EMF Safety Network crowd too much.
We’re proud of the training course we designed for the new batch of Wellies though. At the Homeowner Evasion Station, they have to wriggle on their stomachs with a smart meter and hide behind a shrub until the resident leaves for work. Then they have to rip down the “no smart meter “signs, and install the smart meter without any of the neighbors noticing. The goal is to be out of there within five minutes before anyone can report them to Stop Smart Meters! We rate them on a point system based mostly on style and speed. Nothing like a man in a uniform.
The next station is Intimidation of Old Ladies Living Alone 101. I dress up and play the old lady (they gave me a fantastic wig) and each worker has to try and intimidate me into allowing the smart meter on the side of the house. I keep telling them- “threaten me with electricity disconnection!” and “Tell me that I will be subject to federal prosecution if I refuse the meter.” Just love that role playing, those wellies sure know how to intimidate an old lady!
Old and sick people are the easiest to coerce. The best is when they rely on electric heat to keep warm in the winter- you should see the look on their faces when we threaten them with a disconnect! Smart grid full steam ahead! Saving the planet just feels so good.
Over in the corner we have Taser Training where ‘residents’ are engaged by Wellington workers bearing smart meter gifts. If the dog barks, tase ‘em. If grandma comes out and tries to intervene, tase her. The important thing is that the meter is deployed- and quickly. This is a military operation- we don’t take no prisoners, our motto is “shove them hard and break their cameras!” We can’t have this stuff showing up on YouTube. LOL.
The next training station is Overlooking Unsafe Wiring. The goal is to install a smart meter on a breaker box that’s hanging by a wire off the side of a house with sparks coming off. They have to install a smart meter within 30 seconds, avoid the sparks, not get electrocuted and get back in their truck before an arcing fire erupts. They get special bonus points for each one of these they do. God can you imagine if PG&E had to fix every stupid little arc and gas leak? There’d be no more benjamins left to fund my stylist, pay off the regulators, or keep the shareholders fat and happy for that matter. I mean really- there have got to be reasonable priorities.
It’s not our fault the smart meters are causing fires in houses with older wiring. What are these idiots doing with old wiring anyway? Why don’t they just buy a condo and join the 21st century. There’s a ton of new units across the street for only $899K, how hard could it be?
February 2nd, 2012
Our pal Mike Peevey and his friends at the CPUC just approved the opt out fee yesterday. The whole tin foil hat crowd was there, moaning something about extortion. I can’t believe we’re letting those nutjobs derail our smart grid domination plans. Well hopefully those annoying sick people won’t be able to afford the fee and will just submit to a smart meter. Then I can go back to cuddling in bed with my poodle Roger on Saturday mornings. Maybe they will have to decide between buying food and keeping their analog meters! I wonder what choice they will make. LOL. I think my friend Chris at eMeter did some study with rats about that- I’ll have to call him up and get some tips.
February 14th 2012
It’s Valentine’s Day and I have no one- not even an office flirtation. I spent the morning throwing darts at the Erin Brockovich Dartboard we have up in the break room. Man that chick is fine. Hotter than San Bruno in September. I wonder if she’d go out with me. Maybe if she didn’t know I worked for PG&E?
I bet she would go out with me… Hey, it’s not my fault that people are getting cancer.
Tonight is speed dating at the wine bar down the street. Hope I score! And I’ll finally get to try out my new Verizon Microwave nose hair trimmer. Omigod I can’t wait.
March 11th, 2012
I can’t believe this smart meter controversy isn’t over yet. Omigod it’s SOOO boring. Why don’t they just shut up now that they have a choice?
We’ve run out of toilet paper in the men’s room AGAIN. You would think that the immigrants we pay $4.25/ hour to clean up our shit would be more on top of it. Maria our cleaning staffer has been complaining that she isn’t sleeping well and has headaches and can’t afford to go to the doctor. Cry me a river people- just get over it already. Wireless is the way of the future. Just look what it’s done for Africa.
So the TP was out and I needed to take a dump. Someone mentioned the Gas Pipeline Division had an excess of paper they were getting rid of. They gave me a stack of documents which I hauled up to the executive washroom on the 10th floor. Since I had nothing to do while sitting on the toilet, I read a few of the papers- something about eliminating safety inspections, using reclaimed metal, and that the CPUC would never notice. It’s probably nothing. And oh man, not nearly as soft as the Charmin’ we normally use.
As I was washing my hands and staring at myself in the mirror, I noticed a rash on my right ear. It’s funny- I’ve had this burning sensation there lately. I wonder what that’s from.
March 21st, 2012
Someone just sent me a trailer for the Stop Smart Meters Film the freaks from Canada are producing. The way this thing is spreading is making me a little nervous. I thought it was just a couple of hippies in Marin and Santa Cruz. I’m beginning to have a nauseous feeling every time someone mentions the words smart meter. Maybe we should have asked before we spent billions of ratepayer dollars on this. Maybe this health alarmist thing is legit- I mean, did anyone check it out before we designed this mesh network thingy? Obviously as the spokesperson I can’t talk about this stuff publicly, but I am a little unnerved. Maybe this smart grid was a big scam and I’m just a tool in it. Nahhh, I’m sure everything will be cool. I’ll feel a lot better after I drink a beer and watch some Jersey Shore on my IPad.
I’m sure it’s all just some conspiracy theory anyway…
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All material contained herein is entirely fabricated and not based in reality. Happy April Fool’s Day! Now back to our regularly scheduled programming….
“There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them.”
NIELS BOHR (1885-1962), Danish Physicist, 1922 Nobel Prize Winner